Emotional re-set

I’ve been talking for quite some time about the need for a financial re-set, a significant realignment of the fiat currency system, due to the massive build up of debt and essentially empty promises.

Instead I got a total emotional renaissance.

When 2018 turned into 2019 I was in a stable relationship with my two concubines, an 11 year old German shepherd-doberman mix and my girlfriend since 2.5 years.

I and Anna had been talking about getting married and having kids with increasing intent over the last year. Initially I was hesitant, reluctant even, but by my 47th birthday in January 2019, I was warming significantly to the idea.

Actually, secretely, by then, I was perfectly sure I wanted to build a family for the long term, and I was just as ready to commit to that sentiment. I just didn’t know exactly when to declare my insight and decision, mostly since I wanted to be able to deliver on my promises right out the gate.

My new and positive attitude to settling down marked quite the change from my previous three decades as a “grown up”. One piece of the apparent puzzle was that I finally felt fully self actualized, accomplished, and happy.

To emphasize my emotional and intellectual position, I went as far as to say out loud that “the last five years since I quit work have been so magical, and my days have in general been so blessed, that life could throw exactly anything at me right now and I would still be thankful and grateful, be it cancer, poverty or death“.

Well, I more or less got what I asked for. I had a “challenging” year back in 1980 which in some respects came back to bite me in the ass again in 2019.

True growth

But let me lead with the conclusion: I am still grateful for life before 2019, and thankful for what I’ve experienced and learned in 2019. I’m not looking for pity. Rather I’m trying to convey how true growth often demands real pain, and that real pain can almost always be focused and directed to growth if you’ll let it.

Dealing with experiences like mine is difficult of course, and at times it felt as if I would never be able to make it through to the other side. Without the right help it is hard to strike the right balance between dealing with the hurt in a constructive manner, and revelling, dwelling and drowning in self-pity and destructively recursive loops of depressionary thought patterns. But it can and should be done.


Life is a journey

where every step counts;

every experience is an experience,

whereas death is just emptiness.


I detailed some of the curve balls I was thrown 2019 in the previous post, but here is a short re-cap.

In June, on Midsummer’s day, my dog, my beautiful Ronja, passed away. Around the same time my girlfriend met her new boyfriend, and eventually moved out in August. So, just as I became ready for truly building a family and start growing the deep roots I keep advocating as prerequisites for a meaningful life, my prospects for a family with kids were vanquished.


Other people’s love stories are lame, I know, but when it happens to you it’s the most important thing that ever happened to you, so bare with me:

Anna was the one. The one that fit me perfectly. We fit each other perfectly. Everything matched. We had fun. We got crazy. We were serious. We made great work together, laughed so much my sister complained “nobody can be that happy when doing laundry“, travelled the world together, or just held hands over coffee and christmas carols.

We shared the same interests, ranging from quantum mechanics, central banking, meditation, eastern and western philosophy alike, to science fiction, modern classical composers, and exercising or drinking champagne on roof top bars (OK, I admit that last one’s hardly unique).

Anna was the one I finally wanted to commit to for the rest of my life, have kids with, integrate our family trees, making one out of the two, fully experiencing deep-rooted and eternal love with. I was ready and I was convinced she was too. We were in it together for the long haul. Apparently I was mistaken, at least regarding the romantic part.

She was the one.

Was.

But as stated above, by the summer and fall of 2019 Anna moved on and left the ruin of a man that was me behind. I was lonely and heart-broken, crashing from an epic life climax, including the hard choice of wanting to commit, down to utter failure. The equally painful and ironic reason she left me was that I hadn’t been emotionally whole and grounded (due to my own scars), and thus often proved unable to accept and comfort her in her most vulnerable moments.

Thus, she often felt alone and misunderstood, living side by side with an empty shell, rather than melded together with a soulmate. I finally came to understand this, and to truly change from the bottom up, but it was too late. She, however, had already moved on. Quite understandably. But none the less tragic.


While dealing with the emotional aftermath of my two immense losses, old emotional scars from the year I turned 8 surfaced. I was feeling such acute emotional pain that I hadn’t felt in 40 years that I realized there must be more behind. Hence, I started looking carefully and deliberately.

Seek and you shall find

In the summer of 1980, my older brother (2 years my senior) drowned before my and my entire family’s eyes. In addition, we moved to a new neighborhood that same summer, where I became bullied due to being poor, my northern accent, introverted personality, sadness and my family situation. To top it off, my parents went through a toxic divorce – and being just 8 I predictably went into emotional lock-down. Also, I never talked to a psychologist. This was 1980, remember.

Starting in September 2019, I dealt with these old scars and other related issues which made me discover a whole new world of emotions. I imagine, it felt akin to a color blind seeing colors for the first time. The entire fall of 2019 I’ve endured an as deep as cleansing depression-like state. Eventually I came out on top, armed with a new integrated self, fully capable of experiencing and dealing with a full range of emotions.

Sure, I was still sad and lonely, but I had all the tools and capacity for experiencing even more of life, ups as well as downs, than I already had during my exceptionally full and lucky life.

I promptly used my new-found empathetic powers to re-connect with my brother and sister, as well as my father and not least my mother Christina. I shed tons of tears between June and December.


Here is a short background on why I needed to re-connect with my own mother, Christina:

I and Christina had a falling out some 15 years ago and we hadn’t been on good terms since then. To be honest we hardly did more than send an annual post card over the entire last decade. However, my waking up emotionally during fall 2019 made me contact her again, starting with a sincere apology for heartlessly ghosting her.

I should have known how much cutting her off must hurt a mother – not least one that had already lost a son. In actuality I didn’t know; I was too closed off emotionally from my own experiences to know. In any case I now finally felt truly bad for the unintentional extra pain I had inflicted, and thus proceeded with clearly communicating my as surprising as heart-felt apology.

Christina answered (to my siblings’ surprise), and suddenly we were on good terms and free to start talking more earnestly and frequently. Things looked up just a few days ago, when I received a New Year’s card, where she said she was moving back into town after cutting her self off from social life by staying in the countryside for 5 years. Cool, I thought. Time to meet. Time to make use of my new emotional and empathetic capabilities. That was early this week.

Today my mother died.

More to deal with, more to grow from. I asked for it, and I got it. Thank you 2019.

But, hey, I’m an adult. Now I can take it, unlike when I was 8.

I’ve learned so much over the course of the last 12 months, and I’m so thankful I got to re-connect with my mother and explain what happened and apologize before she was gone forever. It could have been much worse.

Now I am emotionally re-set and ready and capable to get serious. 2019 seems to have been the best thing that’s ever happened to me after all.

admin

15 Comments

  1. Sorry man, it’s been a rough year for you!

    Thanks for your content and your blog. You write fascinating stuff.

  2. I starting reading your blog because of the investing stuff and fresh perspective. It’s been surprising, fascinating and educational to get such personal stories and insights this year. I’m sorry this has been such a tough go of it. And I’m sorry for the loss of your mother. There are ups and downs in life and I hope you keep your perspective, and your healthy balanced attitude. Sincere thanks for sharing.

  3. Starkt inlägg Syding. Det låter verkligen som ett riktigt skitår, minst sagt. Önskar dig ett långt bättre 2020!

  4. You really had me worried when you mentioned cancer and poverty. You’ll get another dog. Your mother lived a long life and you will get over your grief.

    Women come and go. It is healthy to enjoy them when they are nice, walk away with your head held high when they get unpleasant. Best to have two women. They behave better when they know you don’t need them to be happy.

  5. Thank you all! I’m a little down but definitely not out. I’m coming back stronger than ever. Better to be whole than half, no matter the cost to get there.

    Always travelling

  6. I regret your sadness/grief Mike, after the rain comes sun.
    When it feels tough, think positively that you are an esteemed podcaster & influencer who generously shares your knowledge.I hope it goes well for your course activities. Feel free to write a few lines about it. Spend time with people that have some meaning for you. Br MA

  7. life sometimes cruelly reminds us that it is like a turbine wheel, and sometimes we are above then suddenly down … The fact that you learn from past things of your life, and that you can verbalize your suffering, show that you are a good person and that you will be able to bounce back. I like what you do, keep it up 🙏

  8. You should write an autobiography à la Strindberg’s Klostret or Ensam! Or a roman à clef!
    Keep on travelling, living, growing, there is no choice, but – death!

  9. I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what it must be like.

    While I’m writing I want to mention that your blog is always interesting to read. Some of the other ones I found alongside yours I seem to have grown out of, the topics seem immature. Your content I find (so far) seems to be ageless.

    Best of luck in 2020.

  10. Stay strong mate. As you already discovered, growing in years and wisdom is painful.

    Keep the good and learn from the bad. Also count your lucky moments and give yourself praise when it’s due. After all you made up with your mother before she passed. Many are not so lucky and/or wise.

    Keep fighting the good fight!
    God bless you!

  11. Thank you brother for sharing your story and being so open. It takes a strong personality to face your weaknesses and reflect upon it.

  12. Thanks for sharing all that you do Mikael. I respect you a lot.
    May you always find the strength to face the challenges of life!

  13. Vilken kärleksförklaring! Det är både romantiskt och tragiskt samtidigt. Det är uppenbart för vemsomhelst att den enda orsaken du lagt upp inlägget är för att hon ska läsa det och ta dig tillbaks.
    Ni är offentliga personer bägge två och är inget konstigt att du saknar henne, hon var ditt mästerverk. En mkt yngre kvinna som du kunde vara både fadersfigur och mentor åt samt forma till att bli precis den kvinna som du ville ha. Frågan är om det är känslan av övergivenhet pga din bakgrund eller av misslyckande som gör dig så desperat.

    Det är naivt att tro att några månader av terapi kommer att ändra ett livslångt beteende. Men en eloge att du verkar ha börjat på rätt väg. Vem vet en, jämlik relation med ömsesidig respekt och ngt som varar kanske du hittar en dag.

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